Elijah is a goober. He is so handsome (like his daddy), and melts me with a "please beautiful mommy!" However, he can have really bad days...or weeks. He can be completely mean and disobedient one minute and incredible sweet and cuddly the next. If he were over the age of four we would call this bi-polar, but instead it is terrible twos. This has been one of those weeks, where keeping up with him brings me almost to tears, and to horror as I see him sky dive off of furniture. As I say to myself for the 65th time today "I need a break" I realize it is November, and it is lucky for him that it is too, because in November I take it easy on him.
It was two years ago that he got sick. It started out like a cold, then got worse, then worse and worse and worse. The first night his fever spiked it we gave him fever reducer and headed to the ER and waited hours to not be seen, he started playing with us and acting normal so we went home. During the day he would do better, but the next night the fever spiked even higher. We headed back to the ER and they ran tests, told us it was just a cold, to keep suctioning his nose, giving him fever reducer and take him to a pediatrician in the morning. As soon as the Dr's office opened I was on the phone, but she was booked solid so they recommended another Dr. We went to the other doctor, and at this point Elijah was even more lethargic. The doctor came in the room and stood away from Elijah, never touching him or checking him out in any way. She asked what the hospital told us to do, we explained and her reply was, "so listen to them, why are you here? What do you expect me to do?" We left there and decided it was time to go back to the hospital, this time the doctors too us serious as soon as they saw Elijah. He was put on IV fluids, oxygen, breathing treatments, and a battery of tests were preformed immediately. By this time he rarely even cried because he was so sick. I remember praying over him for hours on end, for healing, pain relief, anything! And "why?". I remember being more terrified than ever in my life. And worse I remember having no peace. After a couple hours of constant tests and no answers, the doctor came in the room and quietly told us that Elijah was too ill for them to treat him at that hospital and he was going to be transported to a children's hospital. I could feel the earth spin around me as gravity held me down motionless. I saw Bobby's pillar of calm crumble. We still didn't have an answer as to what was wrong, but we both knew it could not be small i he couldn't be treated at a normal hospital.
The Kangaroo Crew arrived to transport him. The driver was very kind and tried to keep the conversation light, though all I wanted was to be in the back holding my baby. We got to the hospital and ran through the line of events every five minutes, with every nurse, doctor, technician and student. I was frustrated when we had to wait even 5 minutes between him being checked on, in my mind he needed a doctor standing by his side at all times! The first night I was up the whole night praying and paying harder every time his pulse-ox went off. The second night was more of the same with one difference, I couldn't stay awake any longer, even though I tried. What I woke up to was beautiful and brought me to tears. Elijah was playing! We stayed a third night, then as he was being discharged they finally gave me the answer that I no longer cared about having. I knew my baby was okay and that was enough. Elijah had RSV, we learned later that he has gotten it at the child care center where I worked for a Cafe.
So that is the scariest time in my life, more scary than when Addalene was sick at only 2 weeks old, because then I at least had peace.
And that is why, though Elijah can drive me up the wall and over the roof, I will always come back down and hug him and tell him I love him.
And, the reason that when I think about going back to work for my sanity or for financial reasons, I remember November 2 years ago, and I know that I am where I need to be for now.